Heavy heart ♥

So lately Iv been experiencing some ugly feelings that are a little bit hard to shake off. You see I believe in spirituality things. And well my family are going to be experiencing such a wonder thing this week. My parents are getting sealed in the house of the Lord, at the Hamilton Temple,NZ.

So because of this my family are getting some awesome blessings. But because im not active in the church i feel like iv been getting hit pretty hard, especially because im the baby of the family.

The adversary knows that Im feeling weak that he is putting doubt in my mind and making me feel worthless in my family. I have even been thinking about not going home to my family because I just waned to not care. And sometimes iv felt they would be better off. iv been feeling really heavy because I cant be with them. And I thought id never be able to. Iv even felt pressured to hurry up because i felt as though they imploede that it was my only chance and or even like they are better than me. I even started to feel a bit of hatred. It was really bad. I would cry thinking I was alone. 

But because of the love of my nieces for me and my parents and some other family members I have realized that these are not true. And I understand that they do love me, they just all show it differently. But without their encouragement i dont know what I would have done.

I now know that in my own time when I am ready to return to the gospel that I can get sealed to my family. And that they love me regardless. when I found out that I could be sealed later it felt like that heaviness was lifted.

No one is perfect and I know for sure my family aint perfect. But i know my love for Heavenly Father and our Saviour is true. And never once I have doubted it, never once have I said a bad thing about it. I may not attend church or partake of the sacrament but my heart will always be with the gospel. 

One day I will be back in full force. Maybe not today but I will be. Its such a hard thing to go back into the fold because of the guilt and shame. But I do know that it is a good thing to be amongst people who have the same values and teachings.

But I am looking forward to having my family here and to see my parents happy. My dad has been waiting 40years to be sealed to my mum and im soo happy he finally gets his dream that he has been working hard for. 

I dont want pitty from this post but I just wanted to air it out so that I can get it off my chest. So I can deal with, so I can overcome it. I want my family to know that it is actually hard for me to watch them have that quality time with my parents but I know that my bond with them is strong and my dad said he will not cross into the eternities without me. 

That is all. I shall post how it goes. 

Peace & Love